5 Reasons Vampires Can Suck It

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1.Twilight. I have never seen so many 13-year-old girls packed into a screaming-sardine-can of a movie line at a premier. I never knew the word ‘shrill’ was an onomatopoeia until that day. I lost all of my high-range hearing within coming 50 yards of the theater, within 40, my wind shield shattered. Within 30, a ring of birds lay dead after falling from the sky.

2. Twilight. Edward Cullens has ruined the image of every male on this planet. If I hear one more girl say, “I need to find my Edward”, I will flip a bitch. EDWARD IS NOT REAL. I don’t compare you to fictional characters (such as Megan Fox), don’t compare me to Edward Cullens. It’s even worse when girls call their secret crush ‘Edward’. Never heard of this? That’s because the girl knows it is FUCKING WEIRD and she only tells her diary, and everyone in the room when she is wasted. Although I’ll have to admit, the guy does have nice hair.

3. Twilight. Ever since everyone decided to jump on the Twilight bandwagon, you can go nowhere outside the safety of your home without being barraged with miscellaneous items marketed with vague looking vampires. And for that very reason, I have not left my house in over 3 weeks. And just when you thought that Valentine’s Day couldn’t be even more of a corporate shit show of lies and worthless crap, you were completely wrong. ‘Twilight Sweethearts’ (you know, the chalky little heart-shaped candies that are embroidered with corny sayings; the ones you pass around class on Feb.14) have already hit the shelves. What a mash-up! Your favorite, shitty candy and your favorite, shitty movie rolled into one. It’s STILL OCTOBER. Everything from Harley-Davidson’s to shoelaces are sporting the Twilight name. These spin-offs are getting ridiculous. Which leads me to my next point.

4. True Blood. I…don’t even know where to start on this one. It’s like thinking about that time we had George W. Bush representing our country for eight years. I’m pulling hair from my scalp as we speak. If this show is still on the air next year, I’m moving to the moon.

5. Twilight. The being of badass that once was the vampire, has slowly been depleted to a puddle of Disneyesque mush. They started out as blood sucking freaks, possessed by the night, willing to ravage anything for their next score. A crack head of sorts. Then The Lost Boys came around. These motorcycle riding vampire punks were pretty badass; they loved to party and prey on the innocent. But they weren’t out of Transylvania, and they didn’t have cool accents. They just kind of hung out in Santa Cruz, being badasses. But now, Twilight comes around, and the same people who listen to Miley Cyrus (little girls, their mothers, and their creepy neighbors) are filling millions of theaters, sporting clip on fangs, and fueling a national phenomenon. NOT BADASS. No matter how many times you Edward Cullens in a leather jacket. And yes, the title, pun intended.